Sexual Fantasies: What Research Says and How to Share Them
The most common sexual fantasies according to research, why imagining is not the same as wanting, and a gentle way for couples to talk about them without pressure.
55fantasies rated by more than 1,500 adults in Christian Joyal’s Quebec study
2were statistically rare, and both are illegal
4 in 5want to act on their favorite fantasy, per Justin Lehmiller’s survey
1 in 5have actually done it
In short
- Sexual fantasies are the norm: in the largest study on the topic, almost no theme turned out to be rare.
- A fantasy lives in your imagination. Many women in that study said they never want theirs to happen.
- Picturing someone other than your partner is one of the most common scenarios.
- Sharing works best in small steps, with both of you free to say no.
- A fantasy that keeps intruding and weighs on you is worth discussing with a professional.
It shows up uninvited. Maybe in a meeting, maybe as you drift off to sleep. A scene that amuses you, unsettles you, or makes you blush. Then comes the question almost everyone asks at some point: is it normal to think about this? Sexual fantasies are one of the most private parts of our lives, and many people have never told anyone about theirs, not even the person they share a bed with.
Researchers have studied this seriously, and what they found is reassuring. Below you’ll find what the science says, why imagining something and wanting it are two separate things, and how couples can talk about fantasies without pressure. If that conversation leaves you both curious to try something new, our guide to toys designed for two keeps the choice simple.
What counts as a sexual fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is any mental scene that stirs desire. It can be a fleeting image or a detailed story, realistic or wildly unlikely. It can pop up on its own or be something you return to on purpose. People, places, moods, roles: your mind can borrow from anything.
What gives a fantasy its charge is that it isn’t real. You control the setting, the pace, the cast and the ending. Nobody gets hurt, nobody is let down, nothing is promised. That is exactly why fantasies can wander far beyond everyday life, safely.
The most common sexual fantasies, according to research
The study most often cited was published in 2014 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine by a Quebec team led by psychologist Christian Joyal. More than 1,500 adults, around 30 years old on average, rated 55 fantasies and described their favorite one in detail. As the University of Montreal’s release puts it in Joyal’s own words, there are a lot more common fantasies than atypical ones.
Only two of the 55 themes were statistically rare, both involving illegal acts. A handful were classed as unusual. Everything else, by far the largest group, fell into the common or typical range. Among the scenarios described as typical or frequent:
- intimacy in a romantic setting, especially among women;
- the idea of a threesome, frequent among men;
- power play: between 30% and 60% of women mentioned themes of submission, according to the release;
- someone other than your current partner, which we come back to below.
One caveat: people who volunteer for a sex study are probably more comfortable with the topic than average, and this sample came from Quebec. Exact percentages may differ elsewhere. The core message holds within this data, though: variety is the rule.
Women’s fantasies: what the study noticed
Men in the Quebec study reported more fantasies and described them more vividly. Women’s scenarios differed in two ways. Their partner appeared far more often. And context mattered more: the place, the atmosphere, the feeling of the moment.
The most telling finding is about the line between imagination and reality. The researchers say women separate fantasy from desire more clearly. Many who fantasize about intense submission say they would never want it to happen, while most men said they would like to see their fantasies come true. If a power-play scenario intrigues you enough to want to understand it, our piece on kink and how to bring it up covers the basics of consent.
Worth remembering: these are group trends. Your own fantasies say nothing about your worth, your relationship, or what you want to do tomorrow.
Imagining it and wanting it are two different things
Psychologist Justin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 Americans for his book Tell Me What You Want. On his blog, he sums up the gap: about 4 in 5 said they want to act on their favorite fantasy, only about half had ever shared it with a partner, and about 1 in 5 had actually acted on it.
So between the image and the act there are two steps: talking about it, then deciding together. Each step is a choice, and you can stop at any of them. A fantasy you keep to yourself is still a perfectly good fantasy.
There are also good reasons not to act on everything. In your head, every detail goes the way you want; with another person, it never quite does. Some fantasies are best kept as a private place you can visit whenever you like.
Fantasizing about someone else when you’re in a relationship
This is one of the biggest sources of guilt. The Quebec study found it is a common scenario, especially among men in relationships, who reported it much more often than women. A passing image is neither a plan nor a betrayal. It may simply reflect a wish for novelty, with no intention toward the person you pictured.
Do you have to confess it? No. Some themes that feel harmless to you could hurt your partner, and this one calls for real tact, or for staying private. What you can share is the need underneath it: a bit of surprise, playfulness, something new. Our ideas for shaking up the everyday together start from exactly there.
How to share sexual fantasies with your partner
According to Lehmiller, most people who shared a fantasy described a positive experience, and many said it improved their relationship. He also stresses that timing, setting and the way you open the topic matter. Here is a gentle way to go about it.
Pick a low-stakes moment
Choose a calm time when you both have attention to spare. Avoid the middle of an argument or an exhausted evening. A walk or a quiet dinner works better than the bedroom, where your partner may feel expected to act right away.
Start small
Open with something light, almost romantic. Your partner’s reaction will tell you how far to go next. If words fail you, an open question helps: what’s something you’ve daydreamed about? Our questions that open real conversations offer more gentle ways in.
Use maybe language
I’ve sometimes imagined…, it might be fun to… Phrasing it as a possibility puts an idea on the table without asking for anything. Your partner can answer with curiosity, a question, or just a smile.
Listen without judging, decline without hurting
If your partner opens up, thank them before you comment. You can say something isn’t for you, and so can they. Sharing a fantasy commits no one to acting on it. If you both want to explore one, talk it through first and agree on the rules together: what stays in, what stays out, and the word that stops everything.
When a fantasy feels distressing
Most fantasies come and go without leaving a mark. Some, though, keep returning when you don’t want them, or leave a lingering unease. If that’s you, you don’t have to carry it alone.
Look after yourself: if a thought feels intrusive, brings shame that weighs on your mood or your relationship, or if the urge to act on it becomes hard to manage, talk to a professional. A sex therapist, a psychologist or your doctor can discuss it with you in confidence.
The bottom line
Your fantasies are part of your inner life, just like your dreams and memories. Research shows how varied and how ordinary they are. You can keep them to yourself, share a small piece, or explore one together, always with your partner’s agreement. For more on life as a couple, our couple section gathers all our articles.
Sexual fantasies FAQ
Is it normal to have sexual fantasies?
Yes. In the 2014 Quebec study, the vast majority of the 55 fantasies rated were common or typical, and only two themes, both illegal, were rare. Having a fantasy, even a surprising one, is part of ordinary erotic life.
Does having a fantasy mean I want it to happen?
Not necessarily. Many women in Christian Joyal’s study said they would never want their submission scenarios to happen. Imagination gives you total control, which real life never does.
What are the most common fantasies for women?
The study points to romantic settings and romantic feelings, as well as themes of submission mentioned by 30% to 60% of women. A partner also appears more often in women’s fantasies than in men’s.
Is fantasizing about someone else cheating?
A thought is not an action. This scenario is one of the most common, especially among men in relationships. You don’t have to share it: you can talk about the wish for novelty behind it instead.
How do I tell my partner about my sexual fantasies?
Pick a calm moment outside the bedroom, start with something light, phrase it as a possibility, and leave your partner free to say no. If you both want to try something, agree on the rules first.
